Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Sorry Simon who? Glamour’s top Do’s and Don’ts to get over the dumpee blues.

We’ve all been there. One minute you’re swooning in love, the next - bang -you’re out of the door. At the time it feels like the end of the world, all you want to do is hide beneath that duvet and stay there. But with Glamour’s guide we’ll show you how to survive that awkward breaking up stage and come out fighting.

Okay, so at first all you want to do is hideaway in your room, never to see light again. You’re feeling a mixture of emotions, but mostly hurt and confused. Questions rush through your head, why did he do this to me? Is there something wrong with me?

When you’ve been dumped,(oh that awful word), you lose all rational thought, replacing your normal self with an insecure, irrational self. Claudia Hammond, author of Emotional Rollercoaster: A journey through the science of Feelings, says that being dumped rocks your self confidence. “After a dumping your irrational self, goes AWOL. We know that we dump people who are attractive, bright and funny because the chemistry is off, yet when it happens to us, we assume it means were faulty”.

Do: Get yourself out there!
Don’t: isolate yourself.

Being dumped saps your self confidence. You immediately assume something is wrong with you. All you want to do is crawl into a dark corner, however Glamour states this as a mighty Don’t!
Instead of isolating yourself, the best way to bounce back is to get yourself out there! Don’t cancel party plans, wasting time feeling sorry for yourself. In stead, plan fun girlies nights out, to cheer yourself up. Also, your self confidence may be low, but don’t let your appearance go down with it! Treat yourself to some new clothes, and show him what he’s missing!

Instead of wallowing in your room, watching sad, romantic films get yourself out there by getting fit! Experts have proven that exercise is the best way to beat the dumpee blues. Better than any anti- depressant, it is scientifically proven to lift your spirits! As psychologist and author Christine Webber of How to mend a broken heart points out, “No matter how hard your mind wants to wallow the endorphins will inevitably fire it away, making your mind sharper, your body hotter, and sending a message to yourself that you’re worth bothering with”. So exercise not only makes you feel happier, but in the process you get a hot body, for him to brood over.

Do: Talk, talk and talk about it!
Don’t: bottle it up

Surround yourself with your gal pals. Whilst you may be embarrassed about the whole thing, the best therapy is to talk about it. As Webber observes, the best way to get over him is to “talk and talk about it until even you are bored of the subject- or all your friends have changed their phone numbers and moved house”. The worst thing you can do is isolate and distance yourself away from your friends. As women we tend to be embarrassed by being dumped - we don’t want to publicly announce that we have been ditched by our lovers. However, Glamour thinks it’s important to be open about our dumping war stories. Chances are your mates have gone through similar experiences that you can share and make light of. At the end of the day I bet most of your gal pals have suffered from terrible dating disasters- so we at Glamour urge you to open up and share your pain. As it will not only make you feel better, and help to get over him but will bring you closer to your friends!

Do: maintain a dignified silence.
Don’t: leave angry text messages.

However, when you’re on your new single gals’ nights out, make sure you do NOT, repeat NOT leave angry drunken voice messages. Whilst it may be tempting to bombard your ex with texts demanding what went wrong (and believe us we’ve all been there), it will only end up making you look bitter and show that you still care, deep down. You may be angry, but in the long run it will save embarrassment if you maintain a dignified silence! For women this is especially hard, as unlike men, we want to talk things through - we want to understand why it all went so wrong. As Webber states the impulse to talk is instilled in us as part of our nature, dating back to caveman times. Whilst men have a fight or flight response to stressful situations, women generally have a “tend and befriend” attitude. This means that when confronted with a spilt, whilst women want to talk and understand, men simply want to run.

As women we tend to become more attached, so when a spilt happens we tend to turn into mini- stalkers, hacking into their emails, pouring over their face book pages and generally watching their every move! This temporary obsession with our ex- lovers is similar to Obsessive compulsive disorder reveals Hammond, as when you have been infatuated with someone, your serotonin or happy chemical is already low, therefore when you have unceremoniously ditched it’s even harder to recover- and you become obsessed!

The Ultimate Don’t…

If you only remember one rule, then remember Glamour’s ultimate don’t: never sleep with him again! It will be undoing all your hard work to detach yourself from him, placing you back to square one. A lot of men return to their exes, saying they are confused and “want to talk” when in fact they are just horny. But if you succumb you’ll only end up regretting it the next morning, and you’ll feel used and hurt - so sleep with your ex is a big no no in the breaking up rulebook!
It may be tough to get over him - apparently it takes half the length of the relationship to finally get back to your normal chirpy self. But if you stay strong and follow our rules you should be quickly on the road to recovery!

Trust us it will get easier, but, whatever you do, don’t stop your life because of him. Get out with the girls and have some fun. And soon you may realise life is much better without him anyway!

Sorry? Simon who?

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